How to Remove a Bird from your Den.

Earlier this week, I woke up, made myself breakfast, and headed to the den to get my Good Morning American on.  As I was headed towards the den, with said breakfast, I heard several bonking noises.  It took a few bonks for me to realize what was going on.

Internal Dialogue:

What is that noise?  Whiskey, lick that milk I just spilled on the floor (while tapping toe, pointing at milk).  What is that noise?  Why does that bird keep flying into the window?  Birds are so stupid.  Huh, I guess that's where the name "bird brain" comes from.  Seriously, what is that bird's problem?  Why does it want inside?  Why are birds always flying into windows?  Gosh, we as humans are really destructive to nature.  Birds fly into windows everywhere...there are even commercials about it...Wait, is that bird outside...or is it...OH MY... WHA THE FU...SHIT!!!!!!!!  THERE IS A BIRD IN THE HOUSE!!!!


BIRD, WHAT THE FU...OH MY GOD, THAT WAS SO CLOSE TO MY EYE.   DID YOU JUST POOP ON ME?  


SHIT.  SHIT.  SHIT.  


How do you get a bird out of your house? 


How did that bird get in here?!!


Cease internal dialogue.


318.469.****.  Bart, did you leave the door open this morning?  You didn't?  Well, there is a bird in the house.  I don't know what kind.  A brown one!!!!

Obviously, I'm going to have to go at this one alone.


So, for all of you that will have an uninvited bird in your home, here's how to successfully remove one:

1.  Scream at it really loud.
2. When it flies at  your head, scream really, really loud.
3. When it perches on your curtains, scream at it to get the f**k off your curtains.
4. When it takes off again, scream at your dogs to get it.
5. When your dogs have no idea what you're screaming about, scream at them that they are worthless beasts and that they have failed at their very existence in life.
6. Make mental note that when you have kids, not to scream the same thing at them.
7. When it alights from the curtains and flies at your head again, scream really, really, really loud.
8. Think to open doors to the exterior, while closing off all other doors to the den.
9. Repeat instruction Number 1.
10. Repeat instruction Number 7.
11. As it flies out the door, thank God that you didn't have a heart attack.
12.  Wonder why it didn't have a heart attack--it would have made steps 1-11 much easier.

Here's your own "Where's Waldo?".   It's hard to spy the bird, due to camo.  Why are Southern women so obsessed with westernized, Chinese-inspired toile monkeys and birds?

I just want your extra time and your...

Cheers!

I know it's been forever since I've posted.  Two of you told me so much today.  Due to the overwhelming interest in my blog, here goes.

You know the holidays are officially here when you read your first holiday hangover cure article.  

They print them in the newspaper.  They print them in a magazine.  You can read them at your desk.  You can read them in a limousine.   

If only Dr. Seuss had used his degree for the greater good of adults instead of children...

Each and every year, I'm fooled by the same a headlines: Cure for that Holiday Hangover!; Say Goodbye to the Hangover; Seven Sure-fire Cures for the Modern Hangover!; How to NOT Feel like you were Dragged by a Bus Straight into the Land of Self-hatred while Puking your Guts out and you don't Even Feel Good about the Fact that You Just Lost Five Pounds.  

As someone who's habitually hung-over (don't judge), telling me that there's a cure for a hangover, is like telling me that smoking is now good for you, or that Rotel and Velveta causes weight loss.  

If one more "expert" tells me to drink a glass of water between every drink and before I go to bed, they've never been drunk.  Ever.  Can you imagine:

Bartender, I'm really, really, really drunk, but can I please have an Evian every time that the long hand on the clock hits two and ten?  You'll come find me, right?   That will surely prevent me from waking up at 4:00 AM, with a rapid heart beat, sweats, and the feeling that not only did I embarrass my husband so badly that he left me at the bar (ok, let's be honest, I refused to leave because, no matter what he says, I'm NOT drunk), and now that I've alienated every friend that I have, I'm...shit, where am I?  Oh, that's the fan above my bed.  I'm home.  Wait, how did I get here?  If only I'd had that glass of water!!!!!

Really, it's 2010 and all that ya gots is "drink more water"?  How dare you waste my time, when my head hurts this bad!

Everyone knows that there's only two official cures for a hangover:

1. Work out and sweat like you've never sweated before; or

2. Drink.  More.  

3.  And when you're that hungover, you really only have one option.  Please refer to cure number 2.

Honestly people, it's 2010.  They make pills that grow more hair on your head, pills that make your ween work even when you're 92, and to counteract that, pills that make you not have a baby after you get really, really, drunk and that bartender forgot your Evian at two and ten and well, that 92-year-old only looked 70.

We put three people on the moon 40 years ago--ok, "we" is a stretch--but, 40 years ago!  You mean to tell me that we can put people on the moon, Skype with someone in Africa, and clone some sheep, and there's not a real hangover cure?  

Calling all scientists!  You may have gotten into it for the greater good of the human race, but let's be real--you stayed for the money.  Find a real hangover cure.  Confusus says cure for drunken debauchery to be rewarded with much financial success.