Cheers!

I know it's been forever since I've posted.  Two of you told me so much today.  Due to the overwhelming interest in my blog, here goes.

You know the holidays are officially here when you read your first holiday hangover cure article.  

They print them in the newspaper.  They print them in a magazine.  You can read them at your desk.  You can read them in a limousine.   

If only Dr. Seuss had used his degree for the greater good of adults instead of children...

Each and every year, I'm fooled by the same a headlines: Cure for that Holiday Hangover!; Say Goodbye to the Hangover; Seven Sure-fire Cures for the Modern Hangover!; How to NOT Feel like you were Dragged by a Bus Straight into the Land of Self-hatred while Puking your Guts out and you don't Even Feel Good about the Fact that You Just Lost Five Pounds.  

As someone who's habitually hung-over (don't judge), telling me that there's a cure for a hangover, is like telling me that smoking is now good for you, or that Rotel and Velveta causes weight loss.  

If one more "expert" tells me to drink a glass of water between every drink and before I go to bed, they've never been drunk.  Ever.  Can you imagine:

Bartender, I'm really, really, really drunk, but can I please have an Evian every time that the long hand on the clock hits two and ten?  You'll come find me, right?   That will surely prevent me from waking up at 4:00 AM, with a rapid heart beat, sweats, and the feeling that not only did I embarrass my husband so badly that he left me at the bar (ok, let's be honest, I refused to leave because, no matter what he says, I'm NOT drunk), and now that I've alienated every friend that I have, I'm...shit, where am I?  Oh, that's the fan above my bed.  I'm home.  Wait, how did I get here?  If only I'd had that glass of water!!!!!

Really, it's 2010 and all that ya gots is "drink more water"?  How dare you waste my time, when my head hurts this bad!

Everyone knows that there's only two official cures for a hangover:

1. Work out and sweat like you've never sweated before; or

2. Drink.  More.  

3.  And when you're that hungover, you really only have one option.  Please refer to cure number 2.

Honestly people, it's 2010.  They make pills that grow more hair on your head, pills that make your ween work even when you're 92, and to counteract that, pills that make you not have a baby after you get really, really, drunk and that bartender forgot your Evian at two and ten and well, that 92-year-old only looked 70.

We put three people on the moon 40 years ago--ok, "we" is a stretch--but, 40 years ago!  You mean to tell me that we can put people on the moon, Skype with someone in Africa, and clone some sheep, and there's not a real hangover cure?  

Calling all scientists!  You may have gotten into it for the greater good of the human race, but let's be real--you stayed for the money.  Find a real hangover cure.  Confusus says cure for drunken debauchery to be rewarded with much financial success.