How to Remove a Bird from your Den.

Earlier this week, I woke up, made myself breakfast, and headed to the den to get my Good Morning American on.  As I was headed towards the den, with said breakfast, I heard several bonking noises.  It took a few bonks for me to realize what was going on.

Internal Dialogue:

What is that noise?  Whiskey, lick that milk I just spilled on the floor (while tapping toe, pointing at milk).  What is that noise?  Why does that bird keep flying into the window?  Birds are so stupid.  Huh, I guess that's where the name "bird brain" comes from.  Seriously, what is that bird's problem?  Why does it want inside?  Why are birds always flying into windows?  Gosh, we as humans are really destructive to nature.  Birds fly into windows everywhere...there are even commercials about it...Wait, is that bird outside...or is it...OH MY... WHA THE FU...SHIT!!!!!!!!  THERE IS A BIRD IN THE HOUSE!!!!


BIRD, WHAT THE FU...OH MY GOD, THAT WAS SO CLOSE TO MY EYE.   DID YOU JUST POOP ON ME?  


SHIT.  SHIT.  SHIT.  


How do you get a bird out of your house? 


How did that bird get in here?!!


Cease internal dialogue.


318.469.****.  Bart, did you leave the door open this morning?  You didn't?  Well, there is a bird in the house.  I don't know what kind.  A brown one!!!!

Obviously, I'm going to have to go at this one alone.


So, for all of you that will have an uninvited bird in your home, here's how to successfully remove one:

1.  Scream at it really loud.
2. When it flies at  your head, scream really, really loud.
3. When it perches on your curtains, scream at it to get the f**k off your curtains.
4. When it takes off again, scream at your dogs to get it.
5. When your dogs have no idea what you're screaming about, scream at them that they are worthless beasts and that they have failed at their very existence in life.
6. Make mental note that when you have kids, not to scream the same thing at them.
7. When it alights from the curtains and flies at your head again, scream really, really, really loud.
8. Think to open doors to the exterior, while closing off all other doors to the den.
9. Repeat instruction Number 1.
10. Repeat instruction Number 7.
11. As it flies out the door, thank God that you didn't have a heart attack.
12.  Wonder why it didn't have a heart attack--it would have made steps 1-11 much easier.

Here's your own "Where's Waldo?".   It's hard to spy the bird, due to camo.  Why are Southern women so obsessed with westernized, Chinese-inspired toile monkeys and birds?