I don't know why I decided to blog. I never finished, ok, never even started my wedding album. Unlike many of my friends and fam, I've never been one to journal, scrapbook, or keep track of anything, much less my goings on. Maybe I decided to blog, because I love reading my friends' and families' blogs; they remind me of how happy I am that don't have one, two, or three kids. Maybe it's because you just can't make this stuff up. Or maybe I need something to look back at when I'm older. Maybe I'm just plain old. Or lame. Oh well. Here goes...
I've never claimed to be classy. Many years ago, the following statement was made about several of my friends and me, "You see these girls and they look so pretty and classy...then they open their mouths." -Jeff Everson.
What ev. When your idols are Posh Spice and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders that's what you get.
So, I was about to go running on Christmas Eve, when I opened the mail to find this:
Merry Christmas! Um, no it's not. P.S., don't even bother trying to get the Port Barre Police Department on the phone on Christmas Eve. Even if you do, good luck understanding what the hell they're saying. P.S.S. When someone tells you that they're getting your ticket "fixed," check to make sure that they really did.
Anyhoo, after an hour-long run plus a fight with my husband about whether or not I was going to the pokey and would be in the Christmas addition of the Inquisitor http://www.theinquisitor.com/, I felt much better. Although I did hide when the doorbell rang. Fortuneately it was only my neighbor dropping off some home-made pickles. I just said that in my head, and it sounded really dirty--he really did make home-made pickles. Bart and I then dropped my ride off at my parents' house and parked it there until today. I want to give a shout out to Katie's dad for gettting my warrant pulled! Thanks Jim Smith!
Christmas day was wonderful and uneventful. The day after Christmas, I was hanging out with my family when Bart called. We small talked for a few minutes, then he asked whether my mom was there. The convo went something like this:
Bart: Hey, is your mom around?
Me: Sure, she's sitting right next to me.
Bart: Will you ask her if she can take a bullet out of my face in about an hour?
SILENCE.
Me: Mom, can you take a bullet out of Bart's face before we go to dinner?
Mom: Sure, let me go shower first, so I'll be ready to go out to eat. Tell him to meet me at my office.
[Insert every possible redneck joke here.]
Mom and I loaded up and headed to her office. Fortuneately I bought Bart a fancy camera for Christmas, so the bullet--pre, during, and post removal--were fully documented. (Pics to follow once uploaded). Bart now has two stitches and a really good story in his arsenal. Pun intended. For those of you asking the million dollar question, Brannon is the Dick Cheney of Christmas '09. Shout out to Brannon for doing what so many have wanted to do for so long!
With that said, here is a list of our best and worst Christmas Gifts of '09:
I've never claimed to be classy. Many years ago, the following statement was made about several of my friends and me, "You see these girls and they look so pretty and classy...then they open their mouths." -Jeff Everson.
What ev. When your idols are Posh Spice and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders that's what you get.
So, I was about to go running on Christmas Eve, when I opened the mail to find this:
Merry Christmas! Um, no it's not. P.S., don't even bother trying to get the Port Barre Police Department on the phone on Christmas Eve. Even if you do, good luck understanding what the hell they're saying. P.S.S. When someone tells you that they're getting your ticket "fixed," check to make sure that they really did.
Anyhoo, after an hour-long run plus a fight with my husband about whether or not I was going to the pokey and would be in the Christmas addition of the Inquisitor http://www.theinquisitor.com/, I felt much better. Although I did hide when the doorbell rang. Fortuneately it was only my neighbor dropping off some home-made pickles. I just said that in my head, and it sounded really dirty--he really did make home-made pickles. Bart and I then dropped my ride off at my parents' house and parked it there until today. I want to give a shout out to Katie's dad for gettting my warrant pulled! Thanks Jim Smith!
Christmas day was wonderful and uneventful. The day after Christmas, I was hanging out with my family when Bart called. We small talked for a few minutes, then he asked whether my mom was there. The convo went something like this:
Bart: Hey, is your mom around?
Me: Sure, she's sitting right next to me.
Bart: Will you ask her if she can take a bullet out of my face in about an hour?
SILENCE.
Me: Mom, can you take a bullet out of Bart's face before we go to dinner?
Mom: Sure, let me go shower first, so I'll be ready to go out to eat. Tell him to meet me at my office.
[Insert every possible redneck joke here.]
Mom and I loaded up and headed to her office. Fortuneately I bought Bart a fancy camera for Christmas, so the bullet--pre, during, and post removal--were fully documented. (Pics to follow once uploaded). Bart now has two stitches and a really good story in his arsenal. Pun intended. For those of you asking the million dollar question, Brannon is the Dick Cheney of Christmas '09. Shout out to Brannon for doing what so many have wanted to do for so long!
With that said, here is a list of our best and worst Christmas Gifts of '09:
Misty's Best and Worst:
Worst-arrest warrant
Best-home gym (Thanks Bart)
*This was really key, alebeit unplanned, due to the fact that I couldn't leave the house (see arrest story above). Also key in the event I actually got arrested and had to fight some bitches in jail.
Bart's Best and Worst:
Best-the story value that comes with being shot in the face.
Worst-not having a blog to tell the story to everyone.
The blog does not disappoint at all! You really can't make this shit up... hilarious!
ReplyDeletenice mist, nice! keep 'em coming.
ReplyDeleteHey now, I didn't exactly call y'all trash bags or anything. I just wouldn't be suprised if you are wearing pearls while blogging about crotchless underwear, pickle delivering neighbors, and how many arrest warrents there are in your name. I like the blog and I'm hoping that at some point you reveal your dreams of appearing on a daytime judge TV show to represent yourself in some case where the result of the dispute involves you going to bootcamp. And not just any ol' bootcamp, but Bootcamp becasue the Judge believes in you and expects great things from you. As long as they don't expect you to pay speeding tix in cajun country. Boo-yah.
ReplyDelete