It Happens

I've always been able to laugh at myself. I know, some of you are calling bs on that. A certain pantzing incident in a parking lot immediately comes to mind. (Please note that this is not an open invitation to remind me of other incidents.)  However, we all commit cringe-inducing offenses, where we wish the earth would go ahead and swollow us up. We’ve also all watched someone perform an act so embarrassing that we are physically and emotionally embarrassed for that person.  I will only bring these moments up about each one of you, if you fail to follow my prior instruction.

I did something the other day, that shall not be mentioned for another couple of years--the time it will take for me to think it's funny.  However, here's a gem from the past:

Picture it: Baton Rouge, Louisiana, August of 1997. LSU campus. Sophomore year.

At that time, I was a journalism major, and had attended my first class of the new year. My professor passed out the syllabus (I refuse to use the word syllabi), which listed the year’s outline, as well as the supplies we were required to bring for the semester. Think archaic items like floppy disks. One such item required of each student was a packet of 12lb paper.  List in hand, I set out for Office Depot to purchase my supplies.

If any of you have been to Baton Rouge in August, you are aware of the humidity and heat. You might as well just take a swim in a bowl of Campbell’s tomato. Students must park miles away from their classes due to the geniuses that designed the campus as well as the City. And of course my classes all started at noon, due to my pension for late nights at the worst bar in the world—Bogies. Go ahead, Google it. It’s so bad, that DJ Pauly D from the Jersey Shore will be all up in the 1’s and 2’s there in February.  Go ahead, Google it. The fact that I think an orange guido with a blowout and a prince albert is hot is beside the point. 

I digress.  The next day of class, I pulled into the parking lot, retrieved my supplies, and set out on my mile trek in 100-degree heat, with only 8 of my 12 pounds of paper—It was all I could carry. Between the heat, the extra eight pounds, and the 7 beers and 2 gin and tonics that I drank the night before, I didn’t accurately assess the time that it would take me to get to class. I was tardy.

When I finally got there, class was in session. I walked through the door, dripping wet, make-up smeared, caring 8 pounds of paper. [insert record screeching to a halt here] My professor, sadly, I can still see her face, asked why I was late. I smugly informed her, that if she expected me to carry 12 pounds of paper to class, she couldn’t possibly expect me to be on time. Plus, the other four pounds were in my car, because she couldn’t possibly expect me to carry all 12 pounds at once.

Silence...followed by the roar of laughter.

Why was everybody laughing at me?

Lesson: there’s a difference between 12lb paper and 12 lbs of paper. Ok, lesson learned.

It would only be two short weeks until I put a big gulp without the top on it on my sunroof. Then got in my car. Then opened my sunroof. 

I've driven away from a gas station with the pump still in my gas tank.  I've split my pants during a deposition attended by 12 people and not known until a bathroom break.  Try sitting on a toilet trying to figure out how you're going to get down an elevator, accross a street, and to a parking lot to the safety of your car, with the least number of people seeing your bare bum.  I've peed my pants at work while simultaneously sneezing.  Shoot, I've pooped my pants as an adult.  Twice.  (fortunately, not at work).  (Sh)it happens. 

So, the next time you do something stupid, laugh at yourself, then share it with your friends, so that they can laugh at you too.