Three Cats.

There are three categories of people.

1. Funny.

2. Nice.

3. Boring.

Period.  

*Note, these categories do not include those with diagnosable personality disorders.  Thus, sociopaths, those with borderline personality disorders, and anyone with the last name Peterson is specifically discluded from this analysis.

*Also, note, that this extremely scientific model has no room for Punnett squares.  For example, there is no such thing as a nice/funny person or a funny/boring person.  You are either a) funny; b) nice; or c) boring.

Period.

Let's have a moment of silence for the difference between funny, ha-ha, and funny weird...

Now, for all of you funnies, there is, in fact, a big difference between nice and boring.  The nice ones are watching over, taking care of, and praying for your kids, whilst you down that martini.

These people are not boring.  They just simply aren't funny. 

Even our dogs, Abby and Whisky, fit within these categories.  Abby=nice.  Whiskey=funny (ha-ha).  

Not too long ago, I had a particularly poignant conversation with a funny friend about wishing that I was nice.  You see, I've been able to let go of a lot of stuff.  But damnit, I'm still not an honest to god, nice person.  I mean, when you secretly (or not so secretly) wish someone would shart their fancy white pants in public, or come down with a raging case of the clap, you can't be a nice person.

Or a boring person.

See?

Same said friend informed me that nice was a core character trait that few actually posess.

Eureka!  That's when it hit me.  Funny.  Nice.  Boring.  Period.

And, that's why all of my friends are funny.  Not nice.  Or boring.

Even though nice people don't judge, funny people are scared of nice people.  Boring people just don't....well...

For example, all funny people fancy themselves nice (boring people couldn't give a shit), but when it boils down to it, they're not.  I mean, funnies aren't pulling puppies' eyelashes out for fun (I fully support capital punishment for anyone that does such a heinous crime), but, at the core of each and every funny, they'd rather make someone laugh than make them happy.

Now, on to nature v. nurture. 

I believe that you are born either a) funny; b) nice; or c) boring.

For example, when I was 3 years old, I slapped my nanny, Ruth, across the face when she wouldn't buy me french fries at McDonald's.  I mean, she had the audacity to require me to behave prior to purchasing said fries.  I had a better idea: bad behavior AND french fries damnit! 

Now, I know what you're thinking...my behavior could be a product of consistently and constantly watching the Young & the Restless.  From the womb on.

Yes, nurture, I hear you knocking...

However, nice people don't slap each other across the face at the age of 3, for the shear story value.

Even back then, I knew the value of a good story.  As such, I went home and told my mom all about the fact that this mean ass woman had the nerve to refuse me french fries.  And, on top of that, spank me after refusing me said fries.  Puh-leez call Child Protective Services, STAT!

Sadly, at the ripe 'ole age of 3, I lacked the cognitive skills to discern that just because  you say it's so, doesn't mean that it is, in fact, so.  Or that anyone will believe you.  Even if daytime television proves otherwise.

They had my number.  Crap.

God I was an effing brat.  Ok, still am.  BUT, if you've ever slapped someone, thrown a drink in someone's face, or drawn a penis on someone while their passed out, welcome to the world of funny.

And Puh-leez, call me stat, so we can be friends.